Honour your father and your mother. How often has this demand been misused—at the expense of the most vulnerable? A closer look at the Bible reveals that the commandment is not a one-way street.
“As long as you’re sitting at my table …” – “Children must obey.” – “Don’t talk back to your parents.” And if all that fails, the authority card is played: “Honour your father and your mother; after all, that’s what it says in the Bible.”
And just like that, a commandment has become a decree.
However, Exodus 20: 12 itself does not speak of a “commandment”. The Hebrew word kabbēd belongs to a word family associated with the concepts of heaviness and weight. In this deeper sense, “honour” means giving someone weight: regarding them as important, taking them seriously, and recognising their value.
Honouring with hands and feet
While the people of Israel were still trudging through the desert, honour had a very concrete meaning, particularly for adult children: they were not to leave the elderly behind. To give someone weight, in other words, could mean giving them a hand—or even carrying them. Those who could no longer keep up were taken along. This explains the second part of the commandment: “… that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you”.
Once they arrived in Canaan, the focus shifted. Caring for the elderly remained a family responsibility. Yet parents pass on more than just food and shelter: experience, history, and faith. That is why honour also means listening: listening to one’s father and mother (Proverbs 1: 8).
And woe betide anyone who did not. Anyone who beat their parents faced the death penalty (Exodus 21: 15). Anyone who cursed their parents also faced the death penalty (Exodus 21: 17). Anyone who was stubborn and rebellious towards their parents was brought before the elders and put to death by stoning (Deuteronomy 21: 18–21). Because anyone who attacked their parents not only threatened the harmony of the family but also undermined the very foundations of society.
From punishment to concern
And then Jesus comes along: He does not abolish the commandment. Quite the contrary, He defends it. For Him, it is not about punishment and authority, but about something else: care.
He railed against a religious loophole. A person could declare their possessions as korban (a sacrificial offering), meaning that it was dedicated to God and could no longer be used for ordinary purposes. It sounded noble, but the person could use the loophole to avoid using the resources to support their elderly parents. “Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition” (Matthew 15: 6, NIV).
Honouring in the opposite direction
Honour is not a one-way street. Apostle Paul reaffirms the commandment, but immediately opens the road in the opposite direction as well. It is not only children who are called to honour their parents, but parents too are called to honour their children.
Thus, fathers and mothers are not to overburden or discourage their children, or provoke them to anger, Paul writes in Ephesians 6: 4 and Colossians 3: 21. Instead, they should give their children what they need to grow: care, guidance, and encouragement.
The same principle applies in both directions. Children and parents should act “in the Lord”. What matters is not simply their own will or desires, but the values of Jesus Christ.
Responsibility requires support
And there is someone else who comes into play: the people around them. Parenthood is not purely a private matter. Those who are expected to carry responsibility need support.
The Old Testament already recognizes this principle. When families cannot bear the burden of caring for their most vulnerable members alone, the community is called to step in. That is why widows and orphans, for example, are under special protection. In the New Testament, such care becomes an explicit responsibility of the church.
And then there is this saying of Jesus: “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them” (Mark 10: 14). Third parties can do both: hinder or help. A community honours parents by helping them to fulfil their responsibilities.
“Honour your father and your mother.” This commandment speaks to everyone: children give their parents weight; parents give their children weight; fathers and mothers give weight to one another. And the people around them help carry the load. In the end, everyone is given their proper weight—without anyone being crushed beneath another’s burden.
Andreas Rother